Blah blah.

Hurting.

It’s hard to explain, but there’s this sort of.. weirdly comforting look of acknowledgement that I give other cancer patients and they give me. I feel like in this one second look we understand more about each other than anyone else ever could. It’s weird how for moments strangers can feel so close.

If I think something is worth writing down lately, for whatever reason, I just make note of it in my phone. It’s usually just a few sentences or a little paragraph, or maybe a funny thing a friend has said. They are all illness related. It’s not that I’m always trying to remind myself of it, I just obviously have so many thoughts about it and it’s good to put them somewhere. There’s such a build up of them though and I feel like my phone is so cluttered. I’m going to put them here and get rid of them there. Here we go:

Note 1: I’m going to start writing notes in my phone. With how awful my memory is lately because of chemo it might be useful. And if I write something really great and forget about it, I’ll feel awesome when I find it.

Note 2: Seriously, what brainiac figured out chemo? Like, what weirdo was smart enough to just be like.. “Man, this shit will cure cancer.” ? Medical related things are seriously exploding my brain lately. With all these procedures and stuff.. I can’t comprehend that people figured out how to put a needle in my bone and extract bone marrow and have me walking and fine later that day. It doesn’t even make sense.

Note 3: I’m getting really frustrated hearing about people with the same kind of cancer I have and their treatment plan was so much quicker than mine. Not because I want them to have had it for longer, but because I don’t get why if we have the same thing why I can’t just have it over with that quick as well.

Note 4: (I hang out with my friends Broni and Easy almost every Tuesday night while they play music. Reading that helps make this next note make sense). Easy said to me and Broni tonight that Tuesday night is the best night for his soul. And then I realised it was the best night for mine too. I guess it’s okay that I’m sick physically for a while because I think it’s a chance to make my soul healthier in the process. What he said helped me realise that life is supposed to be all about what our Tuesday nights are.

Note 5: Dad called the hospital just before to ask them a question because I was hurting and we didn’t really understand why. Anyway, when they answered he said, “Hello. I’m just calling in regards to my daughter, she has Hodgkins Lymphoma and..” .. Seriously, in my brain I thought, “Who is he talking about?” Umm, is that denial? I can’t believe I was literally confused.

Note 6: I already know this is stupid but I feel so bad whenever I’m at the hospital and I get the bed and Dad or Yaz have to sit on a shitty uncomfortable chair for hours. I feel like if we have to be there all the time for so long because of me, they should at least get to be the comfortable ones. (I added the next bit to this note sometime last week when my friend Sarah came with me to the Emergency Room late at night. I was telling her about how bad I feel because she was the one sitting on the uncomfortable chair while I was on the bed when she was so tired. She responded with).. “Oh yeah, you should totally feel bad about that. Like, I feel bad because here I am hogging all these white blood cells and you just don’t have any.” Hahahaha.

Note 7: I wonder whenever I’m having pain what these damn cells inside of me are doing. It feels like they’re having a little multiplying party, but I know that’s just me being paranoid.

Note 8: I have issues. It’s okay to tell a doctor you’re in pain. Like, don’t be retarded. There’s no need to try to make it seem better than it is. Don’t be embarrassed. You are not being a hypercondriac. “Dude, you’ve got cancer.” The one time in my life it’s actually okay to say if things are hurting, I’m trying too hard not to and I don’t get why.

Note 9: I wonder what everyone else is here for. And I wonder if they’re all going to be okay. I wonder if that lady feels okay without her hair. And I wonder if that old man always comes to these appointments alone because he has no one to come with him. The guy in front of me looks so sick and I wonder if he’s got any hope. Old people make me sad in these rooms.

Note 10: This disease is seriously like the flu now. Everyone has it or something. I wonder if it’s in everybody and certain things bring it out. Maybe that means when I get better if I don’t do stuff really differently I could get sick again. I think I’ve been concentrating too hard on what’s going on physiologically and I need to start thinking about what’s going on spiritually.

Note 11: Everyone is saying I look/sound tired lately. Polite way of saying I look/sound like shit? But at the same time everyone’s telling me I look “amazing.” Haha. I know I don’t, but it’s nice they love me enough to try to make me feel good.

Note 12: When I used to go to the doctors or had to fill out forms and it asks you a million questions if there are things wrong with you, it used to be so easy. “No.” .. “No.” .. “No.” ..

Note 13: Cancer really becomes a part of the lives of the people who love you.

MY PHONE FEELS LIGHTER.

Over and out.

Complaining to my bestie about lack of eyebrows..

“It’s harder for you to frown now. So I won’t even acknowledge sadness.” - Broni.

Always making me laugh! Best.

I started to get ridiculously big bald patches on my head. I guess I was just frustrated because I figured when we shaved my head to basically nothing I wouldn’t have to deal with any more hair loss. But I guess it’s all a part of it. I should have leant by now to not have expectations with ANYTHING got to do with this sickness. It’s the most unpredictable thing in the world.

I was getting really bummed at looking at the patches so I pretty quickly became a baldy for real. The few people I’ve tried to explain this to have made me feel like it’s pretty silly and not understood my reasoning, but I’d rather have not one hair on my head then have a bunch but have to stare at patches throughout it. It’s just this big fat reminder like.. “YOU HAVE CANCER.”

I was feeling pretty weird but decided to post this photo on my instagram anyhow. I was surprised with a lovely little poem from a lovely lady and it really lifted my spirits:
Light bounces freely/ off your head/ unmet by hat or hand or hair/ what chemo steals she too reveals/ the primal power of your stare. Thankyou JG X

I also remembered something my best friend wrote me in a letter before she went overseas for a month just as we found out I was sick..
“When I come back you may have lost your hair Sara bear. But like the black barber says on what my brother and I like to call ‘the nigger fighting game’ on xbox, ‘The good thing about hair is it always grows back.’ It’ll be tough I’m sure, and take some getting used to. As a woman it’ll be tough on your vanity. But you don’t care about that superficial crap. Your hair is not you. You are you. So fuck your hair! Fuck the shit out of it!!! Remember: You’re beautiful, not your hair. Your hair is ugly, I hate it. (No, that’s not really what I’m saying. You get it).”
Haha she’s amazing.

Fuck hair! And my stupid eyebrows that are starting to go missing. Woo for looking like a cancer patient!

Over and out.

I met this lady a few days ago who told me she’s always thought cancer was a myth. I can’t stop thinking about how silly/inconsiderate/unintelligent some humans are. I really felt like punching her in the face and telling her that I thought broken noses were a myth.

“You can have the front seat Sara. You have Lymphoma.” - Dad.

Haha yes!!

Man, seeing movies about people dying from cancer, and hearing songs about people who have died from cancer is suddenly super unsettling.